Perspective
Today was one of those days. The kind that make you feel like a hot mess. The kind that you just have to wonder, “Really? Is this real life?”
My day began by sleeping through my alarm and waking up five minutes past the time I am supposed to leave my house to drop my sister off at school, my mom off at work, and carpool to school. In the two minutes I took to brush my teeth, throw on jeans and flip flops (because I wore the shirt I slept in last night to school), I had to call and cancel on my carpool and try to mentally quiz myself for the test I had at 8 AM. Side note: while trying to beat the traffic of Fresno State in the morning, I realized that I didn’t put deodorant on.
Later this afternoon, after my car ran out of gas while picking my sister up from school, I stumbled upon a text message that I didn’t mean to see. In this moment, I could almost tangibly feel my heart sink. Once I read this text, I knew that I needed to talk about what I had seen to this person, but I was unsure of how to approach the situation.
I’m not a very confrontational person. Confrontation usually gives me the pre-imgoingtothrowup feeling and makes me want to cry before anything even happens. I’m working on this. Anyway, this text message forced me to consider the benefits of talking to this person about what I had seen, or letting it go and pretending that I never saw it. With some help from my best friend whom I love dearly, I realized that it would be good to approach the situation to clear things up, rather than to let “what if…?” scenarios take over my thoughts.
What surprised me the most was that I felt totally calm about approaching the situation. Me? Calm about conflict? Feeling peace with whatever outcome this conversation would bring? WHAT?
And then a realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Even though my day went the exact opposite of how I expected it to go and how I wanted it to play out, God was up to something.
I have been praying about this particular confrontation for many months, and stumbling upon that text message was the proverbial “green light” that I have been praying for. I have been waiting for an opportunity to build trust with this person and to heal our broken relationship, and today was that perfect opportunity. Instead of feeling anxious, nauseous, or tearful, about discussing what I read, I felt calm and wanted to deal with this confrontation in a peaceful and productive way.
The best part of all is that through the conversation that followed this decision, we were able to communicate and build trust. While this may not seem like a “big deal” or “blog worthy,” it is a step in the right direction toward healing an important relationship of mine. This moment of progress has changed my perspective on today.
Even though I woke up late, I am thankful for my alarm.
Even though traffic is stressful, I am thankful for my school.
Even though I looked (and possibly smelled) bad, I am thankful for my classmates and friends who acted as if nothing was different.
Even though I ran out of gas, I am thankful for my car.
Even though I have a broken relationship, I am thankful to have this person in my life.
Even though my day didn’t go as planned, I am thankful to be alive.
I am thankful for days like today, which remind me of the importance in having perspective.
I am thankful to be blessed with a friend who always finds time in her day to set aside the things that life has placed on her plate and make some room for my problems, no matter how big or small that they are. I am thankful for her example of love and true friendship.
I am thankful for a God who uses days like today to remind me that He is so big and I am so small. I am thankful for a God who’s hands are far more capable than mine. I am thankful that I don’t have to have life under control, because He always does. I am thankful for a God who takes the time to answer my prayers. I am thankful that even when my plans go awry, God’s plans are in accordance with His perfect timing. I am thankful for a God who loves me, even in the moments that I begin to doubt His capabilities, His timing, and His love. I am thankful for a God who is constantly tweaking, shaping, scraping, and molding me to be more like Him.
To whomever is reading this on a day that may or may not be one of those days, too, I hope you take comfort in these verses. I know that I do.
“In his heart a man determines his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” - Proverbs 16:9
“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” - Psalm 126:5
“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease.” - Lamentations 3:21-22
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” - Jeremiah 29:11
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” - Psalm 56:8
Let’s Keep It Messy
By the looks of my bedroom, you’d be able to tell that I’m a chaotically organized person. Some refer to it as being messy.
I try to keep my room clean. I really do. I don’t really understand how the mess piles up, but usually within about a week of not cleaning it, chaos ensues. And instead of cleaning my room every day for a few minutes, I just ignore the messes.
I ignore it because I’d rather do anything else than clean (I have a deep admiration for people who like to clean…I wish I could be like them).
I have something “better” to do.
I have somewhere “better” to be.
So the mess stays. It stays usually until one of my friends says, “Hey Tay, you should probably clean your room.” And at this point, the mess is just too overwhelming for me to figure out where to start cleaning.
It’s embarrassing, right?
To be 18 years old and be so messy?
Shouldn’t I have figured this out already?
My room is in such a state of disarray that I usually have to ask for help to clean it.
My room often mirrors my life.
My life is organized chaos. It’s messy.
I tend to ignore those messes, too.
I have something “better” to do.
I have somewhere “better” to be.
I find myself, more often than not, trying to clean up my life. Trying to fix everything. Trying to make it neat, organized, and pleasing to the eye. And as hard as I try to clean my life up, it is too overwhelming. There are too many messes to count. So, much like cleaning my room, I have to ask for help to clean my life up.
It’s embarrassing, right?
To be 18 years old and be so messy?
Shouldn’t I have figured this out already?
But the truth is, I can’t fix my life.
I can’t fix my problems.
I can’t fix my failures and shortcomings.
But God can.
He is bigger than my problems, failures, and shortcomings.
He is more than capable to handle my life. After all, He made me.
He loves me - not because I am neat, organized, and pleasing to the eye.
He meets me where I am…no matter how many messy piles I have going on.
He covers me with grace upon grace, when I am the least deserving of it.
He’s got it figured out. All of it.
July marks the start of me embracing messy (or organized chaos if you’d prefer).
So, let’s keep it messy and leave the pieces to God.
I think He’ll know what to do.
“But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. — Psalm 71: 14-15”
